WASHINGTON—Fed up with watching travelers act like they’ve never encountered airport security before, the Transportation Security Administration rolled out plans Monday for a new “Elite Traveler” lane exclusively for passengers who can take their damn shoes off without treating it like some advanced calculus problem.
“After years of watching people stare blankly at the scanner like we just asked them to disarm a bomb, we’ve identified that roughly 8% of travelers possess the basic competence to remove their footwear without having an existential crisis,” said visibly exhausted TSA Administrator David Pekoske, who kept checking his watch during the press conference. “These unicorns will now get their own lane, where they won’t be stuck behind someone who acts like we invented this rule this morning instead of, you know, twenty freaking years ago.”
The program, launching next month at 15 airports nobody can remember asking for, requires applicants to pass a laughably simple 30-second test: removing shoes while standing up, putting laptops in separate bins without being told three times, and emptying pockets without “suddenly discovering” their keys during the body scan.
“Jesus Christ, we’re not asking people to split the atom here,” said Janet Morris, TSA’s newly appointed Director of Passenger Experience, who reportedly took the job after her therapist suggested finding a healthy outlet for her rage. “We just want travelers who don’t wait until they’re literally at the front of a 40-person line to start untying their complicated hiking boots or digging through their overstuffed backpack for the liquids they somehow buried under everything else they own.”
According to internal TSA documents that someone left on a printer, Elite Traveler status will be granted to the rare specimens who grasp basic security protocols that have been consistent since flip phones were cool, like not wearing belts with enough metal to trigger sensors in the next terminal and understanding that—shocking revelation—water is indeed considered a liquid.
“I swear to God, I’ve been behind the same clueless guy at LaGuardia four separate times,” said Morris, who kept glancing longingly at a flask in her desk drawer. “Acts completely blindsided when told to remove his Apple Watch. It’s 2025, buddy. Where have you been living? Mars?”
The program will also include an “Ultra Elite” designation for the statistically improbable travelers who show up with their ID and boarding pass already in hand, wear slip-on shoes, and don’t try to argue that their family-sized toothpaste is a “travel size.”
Frequent flyers responded to the news with the enthusiasm of prisoners hearing about parole. Boston consultant Mark Reeves, who claims to have developed an eye twitch from security line trauma, couldn’t contain his relief: “Last month I got stuck behind a family of four who apparently teleported directly from 1950 to the airport. Dad had keys in seventeen different pockets, mom tried bringing through an open Big Gulp, and their teenager argued that his switchblade was ‘just a souvenir.’ I missed my connection and spent the night on the floor in Charlotte.”
Some critics have whined that the program creates an unfair two-tiered system, but TSA officials defended the initiative by pointing out that Elite Traveler status is available to literally anyone capable of following instructions that a reasonably bright golden retriever could understand.
“This isn’t about elitism—it’s about not forcing 175 people to wait while you debate whether your industrial-sized shampoo bottle is medically necessary for your 45-minute flight,” explained Pekoske, who started drinking directly from a coffee pot halfway through the press conference. “The bar is literally on the floor. We’re just asking people to step over it without taking half their natural life to do so.”
At press time, sources confirmed the TSA was considering an additional “Mythical Traveler” lane for the legendary passengers who somehow manage to collect their belongings after screening without blocking the entire exit area while slowly putting their belts back on, checking their phones, and reorganizing their entire life story across multiple bins.
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