VATICAN CITY—In a surprising clarification to years of theological confusion over whether animals have souls, Pope Francis announced Wednesday that while most domesticated pets are barred from the Kingdom of Heaven, wild dogs are the sole exception and will be granted eternal salvation.
“The gates of Paradise are closed to your pampered pugs and coddled corgis,” said the pontiff during his weekly general audience in St. Peter’s Square, where he addressed a visibly distraught crowd of pet owners. “But God has reserved a special place in His eternal kingdom for those canines who have remained true to their wild nature, untainted by human domestication.”
The Pope’s declaration comes after years of contradictory reports about his position on animal afterlife. In 2014, media outlets worldwide erroneously reported that Francis had comforted a boy mourning his dead dog by saying all animals go to heaven—a statement later revealed to have been made by Pope Paul VI decades earlier.
“I have been gravely misquoted,” Francis explained, visibly frustrated while petting a taxidermied African wild dog kept on his papal desk. “What I actually said was that only wild dogs—those noble beasts who hunt in packs across the savanna, who have not succumbed to the spiritual corruption of squeaky toys and rhinestone collars—shall be welcomed into the Lord’s embrace.”
Vatican spokesman Cardinal Giuseppe Rossi later clarified that the Pope’s statement specifically referred to African wild dogs (Lycaon pictus), also known as painted wolves, and not to feral domestic dogs or other wild canid species such as wolves or coyotes.
“The Holy Father has studied the hunting behaviors of the African wild dog extensively and admires their pack mentality and nearly 80% hunting success rate,” said Rossi. “Their communal care for the young, sick, and elderly members of the pack exemplifies Christian values far better than your average housecat, which, let’s be honest, would sell your soul for a can of tuna.”
The announcement has caused widespread confusion among Catholic pet owners, many of whom have begun abandoning their domestic dogs in wilderness areas in hopes of increasing their pets’ chances at salvation.
“We’ve had to issue an additional statement clarifying that converting your Labradoodle to a wild state through abandonment is both cruel and ineffective,” Rossi added. “Once domesticated, always domesticated in the eyes of the Lord.”
The Pope’s proclamation has drawn criticism from other religious leaders, including the Dalai Lama, who insisted that all sentient beings participate in the cycle of rebirth, and televangelist Joel Osteen, who maintains that dogs of all breeds can enter heaven but only if their owners donate generously to his ministry.
At press time, Francis was reportedly drafting a new papal bull entitled “Canis Ferus Paradiso,” which is expected to further elaborate on the theological justification for wild dogs’ unique salvation status while also addressing whether hamsters might qualify for purgatory.
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