STOCKHOLM—In what environmentalists are calling the most bewildering career pivot since Al Gore launched that chain of private jet dealerships, climate activist Greta Thunberg shocked literally everyone Monday by announcing she’s teamed up with the world’s biggest oil companies to launch the “Guilt-Free Fossil Fuels” campaign, promising consumers they can now burn all the hydrocarbons they want without that nagging feeling they’re destroying their children’s future.
“Look, for years I’ve been screaming ‘How dare you?’ at these corporations until I was blue in the face,” said an uncharacteristically relaxed Thunberg at a press conference where she lounged alongside executives from ExxonMobil, Shell, and BP, all wearing matching “Climate Crisis? Solved It!” t-shirts. “But then I had this, like, total epiphany—what if we just rebranded the problem instead of actually fixing anything? God, it’s so much easier.”
The bizarre campaign, which features billboards of Thunberg giving a thumbs-up next to an idling Hummer with the tagline “Burn Baby Burn,” introduces a new line of petroleum products with names like “Earth-Conscious Crude” and “Activist-Approved Gasoline.” According to promotional materials that reporters kept checking to make sure weren’t some elaborate prank, these products are “exactly the same as regular fossil fuels, but with 100% less guilt and a cool green label.”
“We tried the whole ‘save the planet’ thing for what, five years? And honestly, it was exhausting,” sighed Thunberg, who kept checking what appeared to be an oil stock portfolio on her phone during the announcement. “Do you have any idea how tiring it is to sail across the Atlantic instead of flying first class? My hair looked like absolute garbage the entire time. Just complete trash.”
Oil executives couldn’t stop grinning throughout the event, with ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods explaining how the partnership came about. “We approached Greta with a simple question: What if, instead of actually reducing emissions, we just changed how people feel about emissions? She got it immediately. The kid’s a natural capitalist—who knew?”
The campaign’s centerpiece is a subscription service that lets consumers purchase “Climate Forgiveness Credits” for $9.99 per month, which Woods described as “like carbon offsets, but without actually offsetting anything or helping in any way.” Subscribers receive a digital badge for their social media profiles and a bumper sticker reading “My Gas-Guzzling SUV is Greta-Approved.”
Environmental scientists have expressed what can only be described as existential horror at the partnership. Dr. James Hansen, the former NASA scientist who first testified about climate change to Congress in the 1980s, was reportedly seen banging his head against his desk so hard when reached for comment that he had to be treated for a mild concussion.
“This is obviously just another sophisticated form of greenwashing,” began Dr. Katharine Hayhoe, climate scientist at Texas Tech University, before being interrupted by Thunberg.
“Actually, we’re calling it ‘truth-adjacent marketing,’” Thunberg corrected while filing her nails. “Greenwashing sounds so 2023. We’re disrupting the climate guilt space.”
The campaign also introduces a children’s mascot, “Carby the Carbon Molecule,” a googly-eyed cartoon character who teaches kids that “CO2 is just plant food, silly!” through a series of educational videos and coloring books being distributed to elementary schools in Republican-controlled states.
When pressed by a visibly distressed Reuters reporter about the overwhelming scientific consensus that fossil fuels are the primary driver of potentially civilization-ending climate change, Thunberg just shrugged. “Science is, like, just one perspective, you know? Have you considered the perspective of quarterly profits? Super compelling stuff. Changed my whole worldview.”
Former supporters appeared absolutely shell-shocked by the announcement. Fridays for Future, the youth climate movement Thunberg founded, has apparently rebranded as “Fridays for Fuel” and now encourages students to skip school to hang out at gas stations and rev engines.
“It’s all about pragmatism,” said Shell CEO Wael Sawan, who couldn’t stop chuckling throughout his prepared remarks. “Greta helped us understand that instead of spending billions on actual renewable energy research, we could just spend millions on marketing campaigns that make people feel better about destroying the planet. The ROI is incredible.”
The partnership’s first product launch includes a limited-edition “How Dare You Drive” luxury SUV with Thunberg’s face emblazoned on the hood and custom exhaust pipes shaped to spell out “Still Listen to the Science (When Convenient).”
At press time, sources confirmed Thunberg was already in talks with the beef industry for a follow-up campaign called “Methane is Just Cow Breath” and negotiating a reality show where she travels the world in a private jet to visit melting glaciers “while there’s still time to get some killer Instagram content.”
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