BENTONVILLE, AR—Facing a tsunami of complaints about soulless shopping experiences, Walmart rolled out its bizarre new “Ultra-Premium” self-checkout lanes Tuesday that supposedly recreate human interaction for shoppers willing to fork over an extra $5.99 per transaction.
“Yeah, so our data guys kept telling us that while plenty of folks like self-checkout, there’s this whole chunk of customers—mostly older people, if we’re being honest—who actually miss talking to a real person,” said Walmart spokesperson Tina Ramirez, gesturing toward a row of regular self-checkout machines now sporting sad little “BASIC TIER” stickers. “So we figured, hey, why not charge them six bucks for fake small talk?”
The new system features a touchscreen with an animated cashier that makes awkward conversation, judges your purchases, and randomly triggers those infuriating “unexpected item in bagging area” alerts. For what Walmart calls “maximum authenticity,” the system occasionally freezes mid-transaction, requiring customers to flag down an actual employee who’s busy helping someone else.
Doug McMillon, Walmart’s CEO who reportedly pushed for the feature after his mother complained about missing “real people” at stores, demonstrated the system by purchasing a rotisserie chicken and some Tums.
“See how it asks if I found everything okay and then immediately cuts me off before I can answer?” McMillon said, pointing proudly at the screen. “The virtual cashier even makes that little face when you buy hemorrhoid cream. We spent millions perfecting that judgmental eyebrow raise.”
Early reviews have been predictably all over the place. Doris Flemming, a 68-year-old retiree from Little Rock who was clearly planted by Walmart’s PR team, claimed she loved the experience.
“It asked about my weekend plans and then completely tuned out while I was answering—just like dealing with a teenager!” Flemming said, clutching her receipt. “And when I tried to use an expired coupon, it sighed at me. Felt just like the good old days!”
The system comes with different cashier personality settings that customers can select before starting their transaction. Options include “Chatty Cathy,” who overshares about her boyfriend troubles; “First Day Frank,” who apologizes constantly while screwing everything up; and “Speedster Sally,” who aggressively hurls your bread under your canned goods while somehow maintaining creepy eye contact.
“My personal favorite is the feature where the virtual cashier keeps glancing at their watch and mentioning their shift ended ten minutes ago,” said Ramirez, who seemed increasingly uncomfortable explaining the concept to reporters. “For three more bucks, you can add ‘Manager Mode,’ where a second cartoon person shows up to override a made-up coupon problem that never existed.”
According to internal documents leaked by an employee who asked to remain anonymous because “this whole thing is embarrassing enough,” Walmart developed the premium service after focus groups revealed that many shoppers felt modern retail lacked certain irritations they’d grown accustomed to over decades.
“People actually told us they missed being asked to donate a dollar to charity while the line behind them grows,” admitted McMillon, scrolling through his phone. “So we threw that in too. Oh, and the thing asks about Walmart credit cards every third visit.”
The company plans to expand the service later this year with a “Legacy Tier” option featuring a virtual cashier who exclusively complains about “kids these days,” repeatedly asks for help using the register, and manually enters each item’s price using a calculator while telling you about their bunion surgery.
At press time, Walmart executives were reportedly testing a “Platinum Experience” tier that would include an actual human being who stands next to the self-checkout machine and watches you scan your own items for $12.99, which sources confirmed is still somehow cheaper than just hiring cashiers.
Leave a Reply