PORTLAND, OR—Local dude Trevor Whitman spent an entire date Tuesday night insisting he’s “definitely not like other guys” while simultaneously checking every box on the basic-guy bingo card, sources who witnessed the train wreck confirmed.
“I just can’t deal with all that toxic masculinity crap, you know?” Whitman, 29, told his Hinge match Melissa Chen while cutting her off mid-sentence for the fourth time in under half an hour. “Most guys are just so… predictable. I’ve done the work.”
Witnesses at Riverfront Brewing reported that Whitman, sporting the same Patagonia quarter-zip/chinos combo as literally seven other men in the restaurant, kicked off the evening by mansplaining craft IPAs to Chen—who turns out to be a certified cicerone with six years in the brewing industry.
“So the thing about hops that most people don’t get—” Whitman reportedly began, before launching into what Chen later described to friends as “the most confidently incorrect beer lecture I’ve ever suffered through, and I teach brewing workshops to finance bros.”
After establishing his uniqueness by ordering “something you probably haven’t heard of” that was actually the brewery’s most popular seasonal offering, Whitman further distinguished himself from the male masses by checking sports scores on his phone while Chen spoke, then spending fifteen excruciating minutes detailing his fantasy football strategy despite her visible attempts to change the subject.
“I’m just really good at listening, unlike most dudes,” Whitman said while scrolling Instagram as Chen mentioned her recent promotion. “Women always tell me they feel safe talking to me. I create that space, you know?”
Friends of Whitman were unsurprised by reports of his behavior. “Trev’s constantly going on about how he’s different,” said Jake Simmons, who’s known Whitman since college. “Last week he literally texted our group chat that he ‘doesn’t ghost girls like other assholes’ right after telling us he was ignoring some woman’s messages because she seemed ‘too into him.’ The lack of self-awareness is honestly impressive.”
Chen later told roommates that Whitman’s “unique qualities” included texting “u up?” at 1:17 a.m. following their date, dropping that he’s “really into feminism” while referring to his ex as “psycho,” and prefacing several unsolicited critiques of her appearance with “I’m just really honest.”
“The moment I knew I was dealing with a specimen was when he told me he’s ‘not like those guys who get intimidated by strong women,’” Chen said while showing friends the seven follow-up texts she’d received after declining a second date. “Then he spent ten minutes arguing with me about my own job after I disagreed with him about marketing strategies. Like, I literally do this for a living, dude.”
Dr. Rebecca Torres, who studies modern dating patterns at Portland State University, says the “not like other guys” phenomenon has exploded in recent years. “We’re seeing this fascinating surge in men who’ve absorbed just enough feminist talking points to recognize problematic male behaviors in theory, but somehow remain completely blind to those exact behaviors in themselves,” Torres explained while visibly suppressing an eye roll. “It’s basically performative wokeness without the inconvenience of actual behavioral change.”
At press time, Whitman was reportedly telling his buddies that Chen was “definitely sending mixed signals” while simultaneously updating his dating profile to describe himself as “authentic,” “a great communicator,” and “different from 99% of the guys on here.”
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