WASHINGTON—In what victims are calling “the most obscene miscarriage of justice since Jeffrey Epstein got that sweetheart deal,” disgraced former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar was released from federal custody Tuesday after serving what authorities described as “the equivalent of 175 years” through just 30 seconds of artificially implanted prison memories.
“Mr. Nassar has, technically speaking, completed his full sentence as mandated by the courts,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons spokesperson Melanie Harrington at a hastily arranged press conference where reporters kept asking if this was some kind of sick joke. “Thanks to our new Cognify Temporal Incarceration System, he experienced the complete psychological effects of decades behind bars in less time than it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket. So, um… justice served?”
The revolutionary program, developed by Silicon Valley tech startup NeuroSync Corrections (recently valued at $4.7 billion despite having no actual product until now), uses a combination of neural implants and advanced AI algorithms to compress years of imprisonment into mere seconds by creating hyper-realistic artificial memories of cell blocks, prison food, and being repeatedly stabbed by fellow inmates.
“Look, the brain can’t tell the difference between actual experiences and our programmed memories,” explained Dr. Victor Schaefer, NeuroSync’s chief technology officer, who kept nervously emphasizing that he “just builds the tech” and “doesn’t make the policy decisions” and “has kids to feed.” “Mr. Nassar now has vivid recollections of serving his full sentence—the isolation, the regret, the daily humiliations—it’s all there, just without the pesky time commitment or, you know, actual consequences.”
According to officials who seemed increasingly uncomfortable as the press conference continued, Nassar’s compressed sentence included memories of 63,875 disgusting prison meals, 15,330 sleepless nights on a thin mattress, 4,562 prison yard altercations, and one particularly traumatic incident involving a contraband toothbrush that Schaefer described as “probably sufficient punishment on its own” while making a face that suggested he might throw up.
Victims’ rights advocates expressed absolute fury at Nassar’s release, with hundreds gathering outside the Justice Department to protest what they called a “technological pardon” and “the most tone-deaf application of technology since Facebook’s ‘On This Day’ feature reminded people of their dead pets.”
“This isn’t justice—it’s a freaking video game,” said Sarah Mitchell, representing a coalition of survivors, her voice cracking with emotion. “He was sentenced to actual prison time, not a 30-second virtual reality experience you could get at the mall. He sexually abused over 150 women and girls. That trauma doesn’t just last 30 seconds for us. It’s with us every day of our lives.”
In response to the growing backlash, Justice Department officials awkwardly defended the program as both humane and cost-effective, which didn’t seem to help their case at all. “Do you know how much it costs to house a prisoner for 175 years? Millions of taxpayer dollars,” said Assistant Attorney General Marcus Patel, who sources confirmed has already updated his resume. “This program cost just $4.3 million to develop and only uses the electricity needed to power a small toaster. Plus, think of the carbon footprint reduction!”
Legal experts have raised serious questions about the constitutionality of the program, noting that the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment might work both ways, and that this whole situation feels like something out of a dystopian Netflix series that would get canceled after one season.
“The Supreme Court has never ruled on whether punishment must actually take time to be considered punishment, mainly because nobody ever thought we’d need to clarify something so blindingly obvious,” said Georgetown law professor Eleanor Kraft, who kept checking her phone to make sure this wasn’t an Onion article. “Though I suspect the Founding Fathers would have had some thoughts about neural implants and memory manipulation, probably starting with ‘What the actual hell?’”
Nassar, appearing disoriented at his release, told reporters he felt like he had been imprisoned for “a lifetime and also just half a minute,” before asking if anyone had seen his “prison wife Miguel” and attempting to trade a reporter a cigarette for a phone call. When informed that he had never actually been in physical prison for most of his sentence, he seemed genuinely confused and asked if that meant he could “get those 30 seconds back.”
The program has already attracted interest from other high-profile convicts, with attorneys for Martin Shkreli and Elizabeth Holmes reportedly inquiring about eligibility. However, prison officials clarified that the technology is currently reserved for “non-violent offenders and others who have really good lawyers or know someone who knows someone.”
At press time, Nassar was reportedly applying for a job at a local gymnastics facility, claiming he had “decades of experience” and had “really learned his lesson during his long incarceration,” while the developers of the Cognify system were spotted boarding private jets to non-extradition countries.
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